What's on your mind? Do the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer have your brain fried? Are you thinking of escaping the summer doldrums by striking up a steamy affair? Want to call out a friend who just won't get off your case lately? Whatever it is, bring it on! I'm here to help :)
Dear L Squared -
ReplyDeleteOn surfing the blogosphere, I came across this well written jewel. I'm grateful that you are soliciting questions from your reading public, for I must seek your advice on an affair of the heart. While at a birthday party in NYC, I met a girl (who we shall call Jiggle Butt or JB for short) who struck my fancy. She seemed charming, was well educated (Ivy league), and was an interesting mix (Pakistani Cubana). She also was really into me, which for any guy is really good enough. I was leaving the next day, but on an irresponsible whim agreed to stay with her for a few days when I returned to NYC in a few weeks for a previously planned trip. What can I say - it was a summer fling to remember. A steamy weekend ensued. Moreover, JB treated me well - she treated me to dinners, surprised me with coveted theatre tickets, and was attentive to my every whim. This all seemed fine and well - until a few red flags came up:
1. TMI: after spending a few days with her she told me her whole life story, including but not limited to ex-boyfriends, how she used to weigh ALOT more, issues with family, and potential mental health challanges
2. Sexual Deviance: While I'm fairly liberal, JB had a darker side which made me uncomfortable
3. I love you: She dropped the L-bomb on me, and no, she's not a lesbian.
L Squared, after a weekend love-tryst, I've gotten myself into quite a pickle. JB calls/emails me everyday, and tries to have the "what are we" conversation. I've been pretty direct "your great, but..." and she still persists. How do I gracefully exit this debacle in an honorable manner? This is especially important seeing that we know mutual people, and she knows where I live. Also, why are so many women crazy in general? I feel that after any tryst they try to grab on, become too easily attached, and are always looking to drag the bro's down. Please advise.
Man on Fire.
Dear Man on Fire,
ReplyDeleteWow. Someone needs to hose this girl down. Let's start with the toughest question: Why are so many women crazy? No disrespect to my female compadres, but, you're right. We can be crazy. Whether it's our thought processes (men's thinking is more linear and cut and dry, whereas women are able to multi task and we tend to analyze or over analyze simple situations because we think about feelings and respond to emotions), our hormones (I really don't want to go there right now), or the idea that we come from different planets (men are from mars and women are from venus)...men and women don't always speak the same language.
But there are degrees of crazy, and while this JB character sounds like one of the more unstable (and kind of hilarious) cases I've come across, it seems like at a very basic level, she just wants you a lot more than you want her. Lucky for you, she let her crazy out all at once. Can you imagine how much time you might have spent trying to figure her out as one aspect of "crazy" unraveled each time you saw her?
The overload of personal information early on isn't too uncommon - she wanted you to get to know her...ALL of her...and so she put all her cards out on the table. Red flag? Maybe.
The sexual deviance. Hmm. You guys had an instant attraction, you went to stay with her on her turf after having just met and not knowing each other very well, and I'm guessing from the "steamy weekend" you guys did a lot of fornicating (yes, I just said fornicating). Depending on what exactly the deviant act was (and if you are as liberal as you say, I can only think of a few REALLY unconventional things), maybe this was another case of her wanting to put all her cards on the table. Perhaps she figured, you already know everything about her personal life, might as well get to know all the freaky things she is into, too. Red flag? Again, maybe.
Now. The L-bomb. Here's where the red flag flies high and proud in the wind, my friend. I'm not saying there's no such thing as "love" at first sight or that you can't fall head over heels for someone very quickly. But, uh, there is such a thing as too much too soon, and it sounds as though, combined with everything else, this girl is a little compulsive. And a little obsessive. Maybe obsessive compulsive? She's having you stay with her, treating you to dinners and shows, sharing all of her baggage, flying her freak flag, telling you she loves you, and now hounding you via different technologies day after day? RUN. RUN AWAY.
I don't know how possible a graceful or honorable exit can be when someone is this hard-pressed over someone. The best you can do is be honest: Tell her you don't feel the same way. Not interested. Thanks for the lovely time, but no thanks! And then try to avoid her as best you can. The second best way is, sadly, to lie. You are moving far away. You are married. You just realized you are gay. I don't think a graceful exit is as critical as breaking away from a potential stalker situation as quickly as possible.
In the end, you're the one that looks like the bad guy. She'll think you're an asshole. Her friends will tell her she's great and you're an idiot. They'll comfort her and tell her men are horrible, that you were using her and that she can do better. But, you and I know that she's just crazy.
Having her think poorly of you (and possibly letting your mutual friends know how horrible you are too) is just the price you have to pay for getting out of this one unscathed. Put out the fire. Throw water on it. Stop, drop and roll away from this.
Good luck with the next one!
I have a lot on my mind- mostly about change/tranistion- I switched jobs and my new job is wayyy different than my previous one, my parents moved, etc. So yes dealing with new stuff is definitely weighing on me and trying to make sense of it all, get used to it, and accepting it.
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